I recently went to Royal Berks to check out a ‘floater’ in my eye. I naively thought floaters were something the Dawkins nervously did before a match, but no. I had to suffer drops to dilute the pupils and walked out of the hospital like Mr Burns in the Simpson’s Halloween Special. But it didn’t open my eyes to how we can make Club Supper less of a hassle and persuade more people that it is a good night out to thank people and support the club. We saw 33 committed souls gather on Saturday at Bird Hills Golf Club, an excellent medieval stylie venue, good food, some awful jokes and reward for our talented youngsters and seasoned veterans. But it was a disappointing turnout. The flame haired one was desperately drumming up support late into the evenings like a failed African despot. Maybe the days of a sit down meal and lounge suits are gone and new ideas are needed. How about a curry on long tables in the clubhouse and better jokes? At least the beer would be cheaper, better and maybe people would feel more comfortable in a familiar venue and cheaper event, not that once a season the club supper is expensive. It’s a shame, it used to be the pinnacle of the season.

I didn’t pick up any gossip on the night mainly because I remained wedged between Prof and Orbes all evening. We solved the debt crisis, developed a new constitution for Libya, discussed world hunger over profiteroles and compared the merits of Strictly vs X-Factor. Weighty stuff, unfortunately next morning I had forgotten it all and failed to make World Cup Final breakfast round at Wykikki’s. It was good to see new faces at Supper, but sad that one of our four senior teams failed to offer one attendee. Mike Walnut didn’t drop any of the awards, Dave Walnut is sporting his winter hair, Rusty Brown was on crutches after a midweek tackle from Fat Boy which Arsene Wenger didn’t see. Scotty, much like Santa stayed sober for a day. Deano thought the quiz map of Norway looked like Queensland, Nic O’Tine and Yaz (the only way is up) swapped baccie and batting tips.

By the way, I have just wasted 5 days of my life watching England’s whitewash on Sky, and oh, send me your Christmas wish lists for a Christmas blog.

What a depressing end to the 1XI league season. I think I have just about got over the missed opportunity against Little Kingshill and the selling of Mikel Arteta. A much improved squad (Hurley not Everton) with the additions of Dean, Clemons, Varun and a rapidly improving Ross finished the season only 2 points and one win better than 2010. Not even Ringworm’s BBQ and a few beers after our limp display against Little Kingshill or some racey pics on…, better not say whose phone could lift my mood. I think the latter just depressed me more. Then again, I could be going through ‘the change’, cricket to football. Maybe we need a plan next year as detailed and professional as that for the colts. Still, kudos to Yassir for his astonishing 200*.

Funny how some days it all goes tits up. We arrived for the final league game full of optimism with arguably our near strongest side to dog shit on the outfield, the outfield mower broken, the scoreboard not working and no Val! Naeem bin Rovers found a replacement and she did a fine job and smiled all afternoon while I grimaced at trying to find out opposition bowlers and catchers names. My book is a mess of crossing outs.

September is usually one of the better months for cricket, and yet all our players seem to have evaporated, led by the U18s, our very own ‘Inbetweeners’ who openly declare that Saturdays are now for clunge and booze. I bet Freddy Flintoft had time for all three. And another thing that ‘grinds my gears’, women who chew gum with an expression as if they had sucked on a lemon (not a euphemism). Of course this is a toss up with people who wander the aisles of Waitrose with a phone clamped to their off side ear. KEEP LEFT, elbows in! Another thing that ‘grinds my gears’, why do we have a friendly against Hammersham Mill, one of the most unfriendly sides in the league and crappiest grounds?

I’m getting sad again. Only 3 league games to go just as the 1XI have got going. Last Saturday was almost perfect, a stonking win, opposition in disarray, doughnuts for tea and Ross looking a very classy bat. At Littlewick we worshiped the zero, is ‘nothing’ sacred? I am sure Howard Siliconchip can correct me but the 1XI have used 27 players so far this season. I think this is both a strength in our membership and a weakness in availability, 8 players were probably under 25, the average number of appearances per player is 5.25. The thing that really excites me on a Saturday is this mix of some very useful cricketers and a good cadre of youngsters indicating an exciting future for Hurley CC. I could not see a future for Hurley not too long ago, but now I am optimistic and I might now get some new pens and score another year. This strength in depth has a knock on to the 2XI and to have two teams relatively comfortable in Divisions 2 & 3 is better than many other local clubs.

Our youngsters are also really good people. They might favour the hoodie and Facebook but would never help themselves to a flatscreen tv. They would never end up on the wrong end of a Rozzer, while I have heard that the Kaiser Chiefs have been arrested for predicting a riot. Congratulations also to Chris Dawkins (11) for his first game in the senior sides, carrying on a rich tradition from the Dawkins clan. Him and Ollie will be on tour soon, just like Dad and his Uncles, hopefully better behaved.

Last night I saw my first Christmas menu, it’s only bloody August 17th! So what do I want for Christmas and HCC? I won’t bore you with a long list, BUT, 1) Naeem’s new job to be transferred to London, 2) George and James to come back to Saturdays, 3) a pretty trainee scorer for me, 4) a members only balcony with lockable gate, bar and portaloo, 5) the nephew rediscovers his appetite for cricket, 6) massive uptake of kit from Serious Cricket.com 7) and another successful year for the Ringo minis.

I have been changing my mind about where we are as a club faster than Shane Warne has had a make over, and both of us have had a Hurley to heart. Mind you, his has more bumps than our outfield. Stonking maximum pointers for the 1XI against the hated Hammersham Mill and the new boys of Pinkneys has fired expectations, but dented by the 2XI falling off the pace. It just shows that with a few absentees we are down to bare bones and I don’t mean the skeletal form of Onmytodd. Of course the burgeoning colts are brilliant but it also exposes our lack of numbers as they now exceed senior paid membership. Ramadan is not going to help 2XI either as 3-4 players bow out for the holy month. Sun set this week 8.41!

My sojourns down the club on Sundays to gleen the latest gossip from Steve Nicotine are yielding poor results. He keeps scoring runs so we can’t chat. He has developed a nervous twitch though as if he is dodging balls or is it bullets? We have a new mini Roy of the Rovers, congrats to Naeem bin Rovers and Sumeira on the birth of their baby girl. You can’t leave now Naeem, Josh and Liam need a little playmate. I missed George Schnapps 37 on Sunday which is a shame, and a pity he is not available Saturdays, especially as he managed to prise the gloves off Mike ‘Hannibal’ Walnut. Keepers are a rare commodity and sometime Denis Waykikki will not be able to get down and then up again.

Plaudits to Dave Walnut for umpiring the 2XI last week as he was not picked by his brother, more members like him would really add to any club, contrast those that think more about how much they personally get out of the game and not what is good for the team or the club. Perhaps they should try skippering and trying to keep everyone happy as well as getting a side out. Dave Walnut for Clubman 2011.

I have to say that the quality of writing, my efforts excepted, on this website is impressive. From the Hurley Lions colts reports to the Sunday 2XI guest reporters it is all very entertaining. I wonder if brown envelopes changed hands to entice Vicky Pollard and Bill Oddie to report, and maybe a pie or two for Lardy. Mind you, anyone watching any of the games a couple of weeks ago would have been treated to a weekend that saw 3 one wicket/run results. Sadly only one was in our favour.

Rain last weekend washed out all cricket and I was reduced to watching golf! All I needed was a pipe, a pair of slippers and a bag of Worther’s Originals. There was no tea from Val Forrest-Gateaux, no smell of liniment from Denis Waykikki, no stump impersonations from Paul Onmytodd, no attempts to groom Veg, the late dash to the square from Pete McGoo, and of course the chipper Steve ‘oops my car just exploded’ Sailor.

As the rain hammers on the window, and my mood dips lower than the belly of a News International Executive I ponder on the decay at one end and green shoots at the other end of our club. We will be losing Sheik Naeem Bin Rovers at the end of the season, Jimmy Sailor is in a sulk, the Ringworm is set on a course to emulate his Dad and repopulate Buckinghamshire while others grow older. There is at least a 5 year gap until the Hurley Lions need to decide between lionesses and cricket and we all know what usually happens there. So all in all the club is in a precarious balance. The flagship (or should be) Saturday 1XI can’t buy a win but I hope the planned skippers meeting might percolate some ideas and a proper selection policy, but that throws up the problem of players not wanting to play for one side or the other.

Was it Morrissey that said ‘Heaven knows I’m miserable now’? Just who is Humbug these days and why have I got so much competition? There are two outstanding competitors for my title, Stevie Sailor and Dave Walnut. Now don’t get me wrong, both are really nice chaps but there just is no room for three of us. It is my handle and I jealously guard it. I wonder if it is a co-incidence that we are all long-suffering members of Hurley with about 90 years service between us. Maybe curmudgeons need to mature like a fine wine. Pop our cork and we flow nicely with a rather strange bouquet.

I like to think I can still hold the crown, whether it is making sure Gordon Bentarm knows he owes me a beer, or musing on the lost glory days of the mid 90’s champions and famous tours to Bridlington and Weston, or ordinary opposition club cricketers mimicking what they see on telly. I can get grumpy when we lose, when we draw, if it rains, if it is cold, children, dogs, leaving empty cups on my table, wasps, demise of the lady scorer, any scorer, lateness, and missing out on the doughnuts. It maybe the realisation that as you get older, life tends to take more than it gives. Phew. The recurring theme amongst cricketers is the single moan of not getting a proper game with bat or ball, cricket is unique in being a team game played by individuals and to a large extent measured by individual statistics. I, on the other hand can moan about a wide range of topics. Maybe we should all be grateful we can enjoy beautiful afternoons in a lovely setting, with good friends, fabulous teas and good beer, and not too much running about.

I was always told to finish one to one meetings in an upbeat fashion. Erm… I suppose as I started with Morressey, I finish with Ian Dury ‘Reasons to be cheerful 1-2-3’. 1. Red Kites 2. Friends (not Facebook ‘friends’) – bit of a grump there 3. Val’s teas, before Dave Walnut and Mike Coalshed have had a go.

By the way, check out the match report 2XI versus the well good Southall Dragons, LOL. It is like awesome scribble from Tom or Vicky Pollard I fink. It almost broke into English! The bar has been set a little higher, and I might have to give up.

Oh well, better try to get a couple of blogs in this month so as not to disappoint my reader. As I gazed on the Spitfire doing loops over the Thames a couple of Saturdays ago and dwelled on the few, WW2 pilots that is, not Hurley regulars, I thought about all the noble acts that go unrecognised or just forgotten. Well, it distracted me temporarily from the clichés and jive coming from Hamersham Mill. While I am talking of selfless acts could a few more people offer to buy Val a drink after games, the amount she puts into the club is truly astonishing and we should never take it for granted. Also, if I didn’t mention the many others that put in so much, they would feel unappreciated, not least the colts coaches trying to lay a better foundation for the club. The recent bbq and beer tasting would not have been so successful without the colts and their parents and of course Mike and his sausages and Rita and her baps and Caroline who did teas and helped with the food. With no Prof in the Team there was food left over, though the Lards did their best.

We still struggle for numbers but despite our depleted resources, the Saturday 2XI have seen a resurgence while the 1XI are batting sensibly and picked up a much needed win at home to White Waltham and an unruffled draw at Pinkneys chasing a big total. An excellent Team effort though Roy (of the Rovers) hauled them over the line once more. Dropping uncomplicated catches however is becoming a weekly treat for opposition batsmen. Fortunately this week’s was not costly but it did fuel a few more nervous overs for me. Credit for the excellent catches we did hold. The win gave me particular satisfaction as one of the opposition applauded mis-fields, they forget I’m sat there and can hear every unkind word. I even cracked a smile at Veg calling Ross ‘wee man’; Kettles and Pots, Veggie. Brilliant team spirit and the shout of jubilation from the home dressing room carried across the Thames and startled a few cows. Still, a win is like cricketing Viagra, quickens the blood, makes one look forward to Saturday’s treat, and can Naeem can get a team up (that’s not a euphemism)!

Obama Bin President decided not to show the too horrific pictures of Phil’s bloodied face last week after he tried to take a bite out of the ball, but as compensation, he is hoping to get a bumper pay out from the tooth fairy. Unfortunately it was the only ball of the day to spit, much like Phil was doing copiously until ushered off the square. The rather macabre sight of people looking for his missing tooth on a length after the match was made all the more amusing had we known that A&E had found it wedged in the top of Phil’s mouth like a blown down tomb stone. Still, it allowed Veg and Dean to add 97 and coast the new Tri Nations 1XI to a 9 wicket victory.

Committee was it’s usual mix of highs and lows. Val is submitting more applications for grants for which only ‘Clubmark’ clubs like ourselves are eligible, the colts program continues to flourish and the facilities are fabulous. We could do with more support for the colts however as this vital area yields players now and in the future, generates money to reinvest, and increases our standing in the community and with the ECB. All support truly welcomed. Curry night was a great success with so many people cooking up a dish that even Prof had more than an ample sufficiency. As ever, we could have done with more support not least to stop Prof going back for thirds having already raided Josh and Liam’s plates for meat balls and mushrooms. Mind you Josh did lose his appetite when I told him his meat ball was a bull’s testicle.

Oh well, here’s hoping we can dump on Coleshill and Chalfont next week and improve on a disappointing haul of points this week.

Despite transfer rumours over the winter, Hurley have not secured the services of a host of banned Asian players or Ricky Ponting looking to regain respectability after an Ashes humiliation, but instead have been in the greenhouse growing their own. Careful nurturing by Ringo, Lardy and Veggy is maturing budding talent, so is the Cola too expensive?

Blog #2 of the year and I am becoming prolific; is it a renewed enthusiasm or brought on by enforced retirement and time on my hands? Cricketforce weekend was a great success but what was that headline in the Advertiser? Unfortunately I had to leave before the bbq to witness the Toffees handing out another stuffing, but then again, a dozen colts and 3 Dawkins meant an obscene scramble for burnt meat. Some brilliant work by the usual suspects plus a few, and even some parents and a possible new Associate yielded an excellent turnout. The club, as usual now looks a picture and Jeff has some new toys to play with as well thanks to Val’s fundraising.

There is a stirring in my loins which is unusual. Brilliant weather and an excellent turnout for the game against Berks Stags Visually impaired cricket team on Sunday was all very pleasant as I cogitated with Steve T on the boundary. Clumps of red hair blew in the wind as Rita tried to keep up with the rules and I had to try to wind her up at tea by disputing the score, but I think she is on to me now. We lost by 2 runs so a good game. Most inappropriate comment of the day by a Hurley player as they crouched down in special glasses and blindfolds, ‘Eyes on everybody’. I realise that Portugal is not renown for cricket, but are Veg and James really losing their enthusiasm while a more positive rumour is the return of the ‘Bazooka’ and addition of a useful Kolpak. Daryn looks lost to door to door double glazing. Please lets have a successful season on the pitch in the new look Chilterns League.

Thanks to Kevin Clement who reminded me of my long absence from this page, it appears he still keeps in touch with what is going on through our website. I now have two readers!

Back in the days when flares were first fashionable, a mobile phone was a smashed up red booth, and music was about to embark on it’s greatest decade ignited by the cleansing influence of punk, I followed Phil down to Hurley in my ripped jeans. Having just finished University and not knowing what to do having got up for lunch one Sunday, I went to watch Phil at Old Pals. It was a decision that was to lock me into the club as scorer for the next 30 years and later Treasurer for what seems an eternity. Both these jobs I have found harder to loose than a teenager’s acne. But it was a time of legions, Ford, Feast, Scott, Barlow, Lehain and Tetlow. So it was sad to attend the memorial service in the village to Martin Tetlow who died recently. Martin will be remembered as a classy bat with a floppy white hat who enjoyed a pint or two both in the club and at the Dew Drop. It was gratifying to listen to the memories of the few old lags who travelled some distance to pay their respects, John Cobby, Gordon Ford, Kevin Clement and Mike Haines plus half a dozen of those still involved in the club and who trace their debuts back to the 70’s.

I hope England appreciate the efforts of those of us who made the sacrifice and decamped to Australia for the Ashes. Since then it has been like the immortal words of the Barmy army ‘He bowls to the left, he bowls to the right, Mitchell Johnson, your bowling is sh*te’. It was a great day though, final day at Sydney, only a few die hard Aussies and 5,000 English in 3 Bays. Not quite Agincourt, but it will do for me. Lets hope Darryn and Mike can assume the mantle of Henry V; once more into the breach guys. I hear our colts are showing promise at nets and one or two new seniors have appeared. Can I look forward to a more successful season, and hence a less grumpy one?